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Disclaimer: if you want serious, psychologically-sound advice on this subject, then this is probably not your most reliable source. However, if you want to look at the whole relationship shebang with a wink and a smile, then by all means do continue reading ;-)! In my experience magazines for men are always full of advice how to let down a girl easy without having to put up with any unnecessary break-up drama. Hey, thought I, what if it’s the other way around you chauvinistic, ahem, hamsters?!? Let’s say you have been dating this guy for awhile, he’s really nice and everything, but it’s just not working out. Yet being the kind-hearted woman that you are, you feel so guilty about hurting his feelings (after all, being a cold bastard is the male domain) that you are tentatively contemplating just marrying the unfortunate beau instead. Stop! Before you settle for a lifetime of giving him nasty looks and muttering curses under your breath (or in more drastic cases feeding him an extravagant diet a trans fats in the hope that he will prematurely pass to the Beyond and finally set you free), consider these simple, yet very effective strategies to end your romance on a positive note. In fact, if you play your cards right not only will he have no regrets about parting ways, he will actually be ecstatically running for the hills, only occasionally turning around ever so slightly to make sure you are not (Lord have mercy) following  in any close proximity. Please be advised that once you decide to utilize any of these strategies, he will probably not be all that interested in a tearful reunion (in case you realize you can’t live without him after all), so be ABSOLUTELY sure that you want out. So here are the ten magic, miracle- working methods of boyfriend disposal (copyright pending, patent pending, all rights reserved!) 1. THE BABY CRAZY MAMA You suddenly discover an incredible, overwhelming love for children. Kids are all you can talk about every second of the day (a nice touch: pretend to be mumbling something about precious babies in your sleep). If he initially does not seem too disturbed by the idea, go a step further and tell him you reached the conclusion to do it properly once and for all. You have namely heard of this fertility clinic where they guarantee to assist you in conceiving quadruplets, but at the very least triplets every time you get pregnant. Procedure only costs $200 000. Imagine: four babies all at once, pure, pure bliss! Of course you completely understand if he’s not yet ready for such commitment and would rather take a break to think things over. Chances are (about 99.9999%) that you will never hear from him again. In fact he will probably move to Alaska to make sure of that. Unless you already live there. In that case he will likely relocate to Hawaii. You get the gist. 2. THE CULT FANATIC You have experienced a rare religious calling and have joined a group (others very unfairly call it “cult”) by the name of Worshippers of the Twilight Star (I leave it to your imagination to come up with something suitably preposterous). These lovely people pray to a potato-shaped alien with antlers. They also meet every day for 3 hours to say their special mantras and share their love, which consists of mutely hugging one another for another hour or two, as well as wearing artificial horns in honor of their guru. You understand if he currently does not desire to participate in the daily festivities. However this has become the most important element of your life, so perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 3. THE VEGAN NUT You have developed a revolutionary change in your eating habits and will now only seek nutrition from the plant-life of our enchanting planet. Nobody in your vicinity is even allowed so much as to glance at any animal- derived product. In fact eating an egg is full-blown murder in your eyes, milk is the tool of Satan. The mere mention of a steak will drive you to hysterics. Either he will convert to your life-style immediately or obviously you two are not compatible. In which case perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 4. THE KINKY VAMP You have realized that you possess a ferocious sexual appetite and would like to throw yourself into a multitude of erotic adventures. You thought a threesome would be a delightful start, him and another man showering you (and most importantly each other!) with attentions. Then you could advance to the whole SM scene and whip him to within an inch of his life. Followed by participation in the pony/stuffed animals/diaper wearing communities.  Try them all out, why not? Not so sure about that? Well, in that case perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 5. THE COUNTRY MAIDEN You feel the sudden and irreversible urge to move to the country and pursue a life of purity and farmer bliss. You dream about owning a herd of cows, pigs, growing your own vegetables and fertilizing them with freshly scented manure from your beloved shed. In fact you were considering becoming Amish if they would have you, a life with no electricity or modern appliances so alluring to you in countless ways. What does he mean he needs his Internet and hot water? Seriously, if he can’t give up those redundant indulgences then perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 6. THE FAMILY ORIENTED Your Mom (Dad, Grandma etc.) feel very lonely of late and you would like them to move in with you, as well as accompany you to all your future outings. You know it might seem a little unusual at first, but you must take them along everywhere in order to lift their melancholic disposition. The doctor is very optimistic that a year or two of such therapy can work wonders for their depression. Of course your boyfriend will have to sell his two-seater Porsche to accommodate Aunt Gladys in the back seat. Really, his car is more important than your dear, dear Relative??? Well, in that case perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 7. THE CAT LADY You feel so bad about all the poor, unwanted pets out there in the cold, cruel world you have decided to open a makeshift animal shelter in your house/apartment. Nothing too crazy, maybe 5 dogs and 10 cats to start with? You can always add to it later. Of course you expect his full support, meaning you count on him converting his quarters as well. You can both take on a second job to earn enough money to buy those poor little darlings some food. No, not the cheap canned stuff, haven’t they suffered enough?! What, he thinks that you might be going a bit too far? Well, in that case perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 8. THE SLOB Now this one is drastic, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Stop taking care of yourself, for example using make-up, styling your hair, shaving your legs or armpits until you achieve a suitable degree of sasquachy fluffiness. Dress like a slob and start displaying the most disturbing table manners when out. Soon enough he will delicately address the subject, to which you reply that you have undergone a transformation, are sick of being a Barbie doll and objectifying women. In fact you are thinking about shaving your head to make a statement of feministic empowerment. If he is uncomfortable with all that, then maybe you should take a break to think things over. 9. THE LESBIAN Tell him that finally you cannot hide the truth any longer and deny that you are a full-blown lesbian.  You tried to go against your nature, but it’s time to come out of the closet. You love him and everything, but unfortunately he is of the wrong sex. Would he consider a gender- changing operation? No, hmmm, too bad, maybe in this case you should take a break to think things over. 10. FULL STEAM AHEAD! Last but not least, in really tough and complicated cases you may be forced to utilize a combination of several of these ideas. If he proves to be a particularly stubborn/devoted boyfriend then you might have no choice but to deploy all of them at once… Careful though, you must be discreet, so that others do not also begin to perceive you as a lunatic. After all you only wish to scare away your partner, not end up an ostracized spinster living in the haunted house on the hill. CONCLUSION: If you have applied all of the above suggestions and he still wants to be with you, there are only two possible explanations: - The guy is a raging masochistic madman and should be committed to a psychiatric facility as soon as possible! - He really, truly, honestly loves you and maybe, just maybe, is a treasure worth keeping???
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Disclaimer: if you want serious, psychologically-sound advice on this subject, then this is probably not your most reliable source. However, if you want to look at the whole relationship shebang with a wink and a smile, then by all means do continue reading ;-)! In my experience magazines for men are always full of advice how to let down a girl easy without having to put up with any unnecessary break- up drama. Hey, thought I, what if it’s the other way around you chauvinistic, ahem, hamsters?!? Let’s say you have been dating this guy for awhile, he’s really nice and everything, but it’s just not working out. Yet being the kind-hearted woman that you are, you feel so guilty about hurting his feelings (after all, being a cold bastard is the male domain) that you are tentatively contemplating just marrying the unfortunate beau instead. Stop! Before you settle for a lifetime of giving him nasty looks and muttering curses under your breath (or in more drastic cases feeding him an extravagant diet a trans fats in the hope that he will prematurely pass to the Beyond and finally set you free), consider these simple, yet very effective strategies to end your romance on a positive note. In fact, if you play your cards right not only will he have no regrets about parting ways, he will actually be ecstatically running for the hills, only occasionally turning around ever so slightly to make sure you are not (Lord have mercy) following  in any close proximity. Please be advised that once you decide to utilize any of these strategies, he will probably not be all that interested in a tearful reunion (in case you realize you can’t live without him after all), so be ABSOLUTELY sure that you want out. So here are the ten magic, miracle-working methods of boyfriend disposal (copyright pending, patent pending, all rights reserved!) 1. THE BABY CRAZY MAMA You suddenly discover an incredible, overwhelming love for children. Kids are all you can talk about every second of the day (a nice touch: pretend to be mumbling something about precious babies in your sleep). If he initially does not seem too disturbed by the idea, go a step further and tell him you reached the conclusion to do it properly once and for all. You have namely heard of this fertility clinic where they guarantee to assist you in conceiving quadruplets, but at the very least triplets every time you get pregnant. Procedure only costs $200 000. Imagine: four babies all at once, pure, pure bliss! Of course you completely understand if he’s not yet ready for such commitment and would rather take a break to think things over. Chances are (about 99.9999%) that you will never hear from him again. In fact he will probably move to Alaska to make sure of that. Unless you already live there. In that case he will likely relocate to Hawaii. You get the gist. 2. THE CULT FANATIC You have experienced a rare religious calling and have joined a group (others very unfairly call it “cult”) by the name of Worshippers of the Twilight Star (I leave it to your imagination to come up with something suitably preposterous). These lovely people pray to a potato-shaped alien with antlers. They also meet every day for 3 hours to say their special mantras and share their love, which consists of mutely hugging one another for another hour or two, as well as wearing artificial horns in honor of their guru. You understand if he currently does not desire to participate in the daily festivities. However this has become the most important element of your life, so perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 3. THE VEGAN NUT You have developed a revolutionary change in your eating habits and will now only seek nutrition from the plant-life of our enchanting planet. Nobody in your vicinity is even allowed so much as to glance at any animal-derived product. In fact eating an egg is full-blown murder in your eyes, milk is the tool of Satan. The mere mention of a steak will drive you to hysterics. Either he will convert to your life- style immediately or obviously you two are not compatible. In which case perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 4. THE KINKY VAMP You have realized that you possess a ferocious sexual appetite and would like to throw yourself into a multitude of erotic adventures. You thought a threesome would be a delightful start, him and another man showering you (and most importantly each other!) with attentions. Then you could advance to the whole SM scene and whip him to within an inch of his life. Followed by participation in the pony/stuffed animals/diaper wearing communities.  Try them all out, why not? Not so sure about that? Well, in that case perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 5. THE COUNTRY MAIDEN You feel the sudden and irreversible urge to move to the country and pursue a life of purity and farmer bliss. You dream about owning a herd of cows, pigs, growing your own vegetables and fertilizing them with freshly scented manure from your beloved shed. In fact you were considering becoming Amish if they would have you, a life with no electricity or modern appliances so alluring to you in countless ways. What does he mean he needs his Internet and hot water? Seriously, if he can’t give up those redundant indulgences then perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 6. THE FAMILY ORIENTED Your Mom (Dad, Grandma etc.) feel very lonely of late and you would like them to move in with you, as well as accompany you to all your future outings. You know it might seem a little unusual at first, but you must take them along everywhere in order to lift their melancholic disposition. The doctor is very optimistic that a year or two of such therapy can work wonders for their depression. Of course your boyfriend will have to sell his two-seater Porsche to accommodate Aunt Gladys in the back seat. Really, his car is more important than your dear, dear Relative??? Well, in that case perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 7. THE CAT LADY You feel so bad about all the poor, unwanted pets out there in the cold, cruel world you have decided to open a makeshift animal shelter in your house/apartment. Nothing too crazy, maybe 5 dogs and 10 cats to start with? You can always add to it later. Of course you expect his full support, meaning you count on him converting his quarters as well. You can both take on a second job to earn enough money to buy those poor little darlings some food. No, not the cheap canned stuff, haven’t they suffered enough?! What, he thinks that you might be going a bit too far? Well, in that case perhaps you should take a break to think things over. 8. THE SLOB Now this one is drastic, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Stop taking care of yourself, for example using make-up, styling your hair, shaving your legs or armpits until you achieve a suitable degree of sasquachy fluffiness. Dress like a slob and start displaying the most disturbing table manners when out. Soon enough he will delicately address the subject, to which you reply that you have undergone a transformation, are sick of being a Barbie doll and objectifying women. In fact you are thinking about shaving your head to make a statement of feministic empowerment. If he is uncomfortable with all that, then maybe you should take a break to think things over. 9. THE LESBIAN Tell him that finally you cannot hide the truth any longer and deny that you are a full-blown lesbian.  You tried to go against your nature, but it’s time to come out of the closet. You love him and everything, but unfortunately he is of the wrong sex. Would he consider a gender- changing operation? No, hmmm, too bad, maybe in this case you should take a break to think things over. 10. FULL STEAM AHEAD! Last but not least, in really tough and complicated cases you may be forced to utilize a combination of several of these ideas. If he proves to be a particularly stubborn/devoted boyfriend then you might have no choice but to deploy all of them at once… Careful though, you must be discreet, so that others do not also begin to perceive you as a lunatic. After all you only wish to scare away your partner, not end up an ostracized spinster living in the haunted house on the hill. CONCLUSION: If you have applied all of the above suggestions and he still wants to be with you, there are only two possible explanations: - The guy is a raging masochistic madman and should be committed to a psychiatric facility as soon as possible! - He really, truly, honestly loves you and maybe, just maybe, is a treasure worth keeping???